Won't you talk to me
by ITellLies
Summary: Based on the song "Alone on Valentine's Day" by The Remus Lupins. Remus feels more for Lily than he should and doesn't know how to deal with it.
1. Chapter 1

**Won't you talk to me**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters therein. Unfortunately.

**Summary**: This story is based on the song "Alone on Valentine's Day" by The Remus Lupins. Remus feels more for Lily than he should and doesn't know how to handle it.

**Feedback**: Yes, please. As much as possible. Don't flame, though.

**Rating**: Rated M, just to be safe.

* * *

_Well, James isn't the only one who loved her  
Lily had her share of suitors, too  
When you're falling for your best friend's girl,  
there really isn't much you can do._

_So I'm sorry that I'm not a perfect romance  
Do us a favour and save the last dance  
So I'm sorry I don't fit your concept of romance  
Do us a favour and save the last dance for me_

_More than once I caught her stealing glances  
We've more in common than they ever did  
Oh no, there's chemistry and we tried to deny it  
I wish I kissed you before that Potter kid_

_I played the good kid while Prongs managed mischief  
A lot of good it did, yeah, you had eyes only for him  
And I know I should've seen this coming  
Your silver bullet-tongue is what did my heart in_

Alone on Valentine's Day, The Remus Lupins

* * *

„What's wrong with Lupin?" asked James. Sirius shrugged. "No idea. Can't be his furry little problem, can it?" James frowned and shook his head. "No, it's too early for that."

Remus had just left the Common Room unusually early and retreated to the dormitory the fourth night in a row. He knew his friends would be talking about him, but he did not care. At least not too much. He lay down on his bed and stared at the curtains overhead. This was better, being alone. The common Room had seemed smaller and much more crowded lately. Those last few nights Remus couldn't stand to be in there and had fled to the dormitory instead. He couldn't say why he suddenly felt like this but he just had to get out of there.

Someone knocked on the door. Remus sighed and sat up. "Come in!" It was Wormtail who carefully peeked into the room.

"I… uh… are you okay?" Peter wanted to know.

"Did Prongs send you after me?" –Got you- he thought when he saw the wave of guilt on Wormtail's face.

"No, I just thought…" Remus waved his hand dismissively. "I'm good, really," he assured his friend. "I've not been sleeping too well so I wanted to go to bed early." –That didn't sound convincing at all, Moony- he thought to himself. But Peter accepted this excuse. He nodded, smiled at Lupin and said "Well, goodnight then. See you in the morning."

When he had closed the door, Lupin curled his hand into a fist and hit the mattress. –Damn, why did Prongs always send Peter after him when he assumed that something was wrong? Why did none of his other fine friends come after him? Perhaps it was because they thought Wormtail would understand him better, could relate to him more. After all, they were both outsiders, although they were friends with two of the most popular boys of the whole school. Time and time again, even after six years, he was astonished that Sirius and James, of all people, had chosen him, the shy, insecure kid, to be their friend. Sometimes he was still expecting this to be some kind of prank, was waiting for them to reveal that it had been all good fun and that he should go and get some real friends.- "Stop it, Moony!" he told himself firmly. These kinds of thought would only drag him further down the black hole. Lupin reluctantly got off the bed, changed into his pajamas and grabbed a book to read.

In the Common Room, Wormtail was dutifully reporting what Remus had said. "And you believed him?" James asked doubtfully, one eyebrow raised. "You should know better than to swallow this bad excuse."

"If you know him so well, why'd you send me then, Prongs?" retorted Peter. This shut James up. "Stop bickering, you two!" Lily chided. She was sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, her back resting against James' legs. "If you want to, I can go and talk to him." Sirius gave a short, humourless laugh. "Why would he talk to you when he didn't want to talk to Wormtail?" She got up, giving Sirius a stern look.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because I'm not sending anyone after him because I can't deal with feelings?" James looked guilty. "It's not… I just…"

"Oh, shut up, Prongs!" Sirius interrupted and gave him a slap on the back of his head. "That's right. Shut up and save us your poor attempt at an explanation." A small smile stole onto Lily's face. "I'll go up and talk to him."

Remus had hardly opened the book when it knocked again. "What do you want this time?" he demanded impatiently. He was cut short, however, when Lily appeared in the door. "Can I come in?" He merely shrugged and gave a non-committal jerk with the head. Lily closed the door and sat down on the chair beside his four-poster.

"Spill it out, Remus: what's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong. What's up with you guys that you're expecting something extraordinary? I'm just tired, that's all."

Lily didn't seem to believe him. "I dunno, but I had the impression that you're avoiding your friends for quite some time now. Have _I_ done anything? Is it me?"

Remus looked at her, trying to keep his face blank. "Why would it be?"

"Maybe… I was wondering if it was because of James and me… Perhaps you're thinking , well, I'm taking James away from you?"

Remus's face hardened. "It's not as if everything is always about you guys, you know. I'm having a life, too." Lily looked hurt, and he immediately felt a stab of remorse.

"I know. I've known you for some time now, if you remember. All I'm saying is that things are changing, and that can…"

"That's right, things are changing, and maybe so am I. Ever thought of that?"

"What's that for? Why're you getting on me? I just wanted to…"

Lupin interrupted her again. "I'm sorry, all right? Maybe I just want to be alone for a bit, okay?"

Lily looked him in the eyes. He blushed a little but met her gaze. "Okay. But if there's anything you'd like to talk about… you know where we are." Remus forced a smile on his face and nodded. "Sure. Tell them I'm all right, will you? Perhaps they believe you…" With a smile, Lily stood up and left the room.

The next days, Remus carefully tried to give the impression that everything was indeed all right. He laughed at James and Sirius' stupid jokes, and pretended not to notice that James and Lily seemed to be glued to each other.

It was her, after all, who was the reason for his changed behaviour. No, not exclusively her. It was his life, too. Nothing was as he had wanted it to be. But all of that he kept to himself, not wanting to admit it to himself, or to anybody else, for that matter. He also didn't exactly know what was wrong – perhaps he was just generally discontent with his life, some sort of an early quarter life crisis. The part about Lily, however – that he could feel very well. Remus knew that what he felt was plain, pure jealousy. Very easy to detect and very hard to ignore. He did his best and to be sure that he was never alone with Lily.

"You're looking at her as if she was some sort of exotic animal, Moony", Sirius whispered to him several days later. Startled, Remus turned to him and made to reply, but Sirius shook his head and winked at him. "I know what you're thinking – same as anyone else, really: why him? I can tell you, mate, took me long enough to make up my mind not to try and get her free of Prong's grasp." It was plain that Sirius had never once thought of such a thing. Not when it was about his best friend. But Lily was not exactly to be easily overlooked, with her dark red hair and her brilliant green eyes. The boys had almost been queuing up to go out with her, but only a few had been granted this honor.

As if she had sensed that they were talking about her, Lily looked up at Lupin and Sirius and smiled. Sirius winked at her, patted Remus's shoulder and went over to the next armchair. Remus looked away quickly, not returning her smile. He was afraid he might give himself away.

"I forgot to check out a book from the library," he mumbled as he hastily got up. "Be right back." James frowned at the sight of his friend laving the Common Room so hurriedly.

"What did you tell him, Padfoot?"

"Nothing, just that he shouldn't feel guilty for being jealous of you. We all are." The whimsical smile on his face and his joking tone could not take the edge his words held for Lily.

"I told you he was having a problem with you and me!" She looked reproachfully at James. She had told him repeatedly that his friends, whom he was so close with, might see their relationship as an intrusion. But James obviously didn't have the same impression.

"That's the way he is, Lily. He's really moody sometimes but he'll brighten up soon enough." Although Lily did not quite believe him, she let the matter rest and made a mental note to herself to talk to Remus soon.

The possibility to talk to him in private came a week later. A week in which Remus had tried to act as normal as possible while secretly cursing himself for being so careless. When Padfoot had picked up on his secret crush, Lily or James might just as easily do so. Or had Sirius just been teasing him? It didn't matter, he had to be more careful. That evening he had not gone to the library but had taken a long, lonely walk on lakeshore, firmly telling himself to act less suspiciously.

So seven days later when he was the last in the Arithmancy classroom, he was more than surprised to find the way out blocked by Lily.

"Talk to me," she demanded.

Lupin was confused. "About what?"

"Your strange behaviour towards me. Last week you suddenly left the Common Room and didn't come back for over three hours. What happened? And don't tell me it's nothing, James keeps trying to feed me that same lie."

This was beginning to get uncomfortable. "But… it _is_ nothing. I just, you know, took a walk and forgot about the time."

Lily put her hands to her hips. "Remus John Lupin, I told you, don't – lie – to – me."

With each of her last words she prodded his chest with her index finger. Remus couldn't help and smile. "See? That's the Remus I want to have back. I know it's kind of awkward for you, the thing with James and me. I've seen Sirius and Peter giving us very strange stares, and you did that too last week. But let me just tell you that I want nothing to get between James and his friends. Or between me and my friends, and that includes you."

So this was not about him, after all. It was all about stupid James, Remus thought. Envy welled up inside him. "Well, don't worry, we have no problem with James." His words came out harsher than he intended to. "But you have a problem with me, right, Remus? Is that why you've been acting like this for the last weeks? Are you afraid you might need to choose sides if this was ever over? Or that we would forget about you? Is that what this is about?"

Remus didn't know what to say. She was not even close to guessing what was 'wrong' with him. Or was she? She looked him into the eyes. Remus tried to return her look but turned his head away quickly. Those green eyes, he feared, could look right into his soul. And maybe they could, for the next thing Lily said was filling him with fear.

"Or is it me? Wait, Remus, you're not… you don't have a crush on me, do you?" She wanted to laugh at her stupid guess, but her laugh was caught in her throat when Remus pushed her aside with an unknown force and stormed out of the classroom without a word.

* * *

**A/N**: So, what do you think? I have more chapters prepared but won't post until I know what you think about this one. Is it any good? Does it look promising, or does it put you off? If it _does _put you off, why is that? Help me improve! :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Won't you talk to me**

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter or the characters therein. Still.

**Author's note**: Thank you mashaff for the review!

* * *

Remus caught his breath, holding on to a tree on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. His breath came in pants, sometimes mingled with a slight sob. He wasn't crying, no, he was far too shocked for that, the sobs were just signs of his utter anguish. What had he done? By running away from Lily like that he as good as admitted that he was indeed having a crush on her. What a stupid, rash thing to do.

Should he go back to her, try to talk to her reasonably? It might be too late for that, she might've already told Prongs. What would _he_ do? Tell Sirius, of course. They would then together laugh at his stupidity, little Moony's stupidity. To them, and to Lily, he was nothing more than a soft, shy boy with a crush on a girl that never saw more in him. She hadn't noticed his attempts of getting closer to her all through last year when they were in Arithmancy together, without the other Marauders. She had only laughed when he suggested going to Hogsmeade together, hinting that they should rather go with their friends. And today, just a few minutes earlier, she had laughed at the mere idea that he might be having a crush on her. I'm sorry that I'm not a perfect romance, he thought angrily.

But he knew that there had been more. The way they had been looking at each other last year… and he had seen her repeatedly stealing glances at him. Whenever there had been a chance to kiss her, or to make any other move in that direction, she had backed away, smiling, but somewhat distant. I'm sorry if I don't fit your concept of romance, he thought.

His thoughts were getting angrier and angrier. We have more in common than they ever did! was now going through his head. What was wrong with him that she never realized? He punched the tree. Did she prefer the adventurous, famous, handsome and exciting James Potter? Well, _he _was exciting, too! If only she knew of his other side, perhaps she would have taken to him more. He was dangerous and different, too, maybe even more than Prongs. But his friends had always seen to him not admitting his other side and keeping it well-hidden in everyday-life.

Remus was in rage now, repeatedly punching the tree again. The pain on his knuckles felt good. Suddenly, his look fell upon the watch on his wrist. It was half past six. He looked up and noticed that the sun had started to sink. The wolf inside him stirred. Today was the night after the full moon, the last night he would change. Remus picked up his bag and hurried towards the Whomping Willow. None of his friends were to be seen. Wonderful, they were probably busy laughing at him in the Common Room, he thought. All the better, he didn't know how he should – or would – act towards James. Remus stopped just outside the Whomping Willow's reach, pulled out his wand and mumbled "Wingardium Leviosa". One of the branches moved to the knob on its trunk and pressed it. Remus slid into the tunnel leading to the Shrieking Shack.

Onces there, he put his bag into a safe place and, for lack of something better to do while waiting for the moon to rise, paced the small room. When he felt the time to change draw nearer, he took off his clothes, folded them carefully and put them in his bag. Then he fully submitted himself to the change. The last thing he thought of before the wolf took over was James and Lilly sitting in the Common Room, talking about his foolishness. A last pang of anger, and the wolf took his thoughts.

* * *

Lily had stayed in the empty classroom for a while, mulling over what had just happened. The way Remus had stormed out of the room, almost throwing her aside, clearly showed her that her last guess had been right. She wished it hadn't. One of her boyfriend's best friends had a crush on her. And he was her friend, too. Oh, of course she had noticed his shy attempts of deepening their friendship last year. She liked Remus a lot, but just not that way.

She had seen him more like a brother, not like a potential boyfriend. There were quite a few boys who liked her in that way, and Remus had always been a nice exception to that. Even last year, when he tried to get closer to her she'd never thought he would mean it so seriously, she had thought it was Sirius who made Remus try for more. Some sort of stupid daring game. Not even once had she thought that his advances were genuine. Now that she knew, everything she had done seemed wrong. She had played along for a little while, thinking of showing Sirius that Remus wasn't all that bad in charming girls. Nothing had ever happened, no kiss, no holding hands, nothing. And all this had still given him the false impression that he might have a chance with her.

"Oh my, what have I done?" she asked the empty room. She had to put things right again, she had to find Remus before he did something rash – like talk to James, for instance. They needed to handle that alone, Remus and her, it would only hurt their friendship, and Remus and James's, if he knew.

She wasn't sure where to look for Remus, so she decided to try the Common Room first. Only James and Peter were in there, looking slightly worried when they heard that Remus had left without telling anyone where he went. They had been with their friend the previous two nights, keeping him from harming himself too much.

James offered to help looking for him, but Lily was determined to find Remus first. "There's no need to put up a search team, guys. I was just wondering where he was, I need to talk to him about an Arithmancy project." The lie came fluently. James and Peter told Lily to search in the library, as that was usually the place Remus went to think.

As soon as Lily had left the Common Room, James sprinted up the stairs to their dormitory. "Padfoot, do you know where Moony is?" he asked Sirius who was lying on the bed and reading. He heard the urgency in James' voice. "Don't know. Why, what's wrong?"

"Lily was just here, looking for him. She said he sort of just left after Arithmancy and didn't tell her where he'd go. It's the night after the full moon, and the sun is setting."

"I'm sure Moony just went to the Shack right away."

"Without dropping off his bag first?" James asked sceptically. Sirius thought for a moment. "Why don't we have a look in the shack?"

James nodded, turned around and raced down the steps again. He told Peter what they wanted to do, and together the three of them set off towards the Whomping Willow.

"Have you found him? Where is he?" rang Lily's voice from the castle's front door when they were halfway across the grounds. She caught up with them.

"Uh, no, we haven't found him. We were just wondering whether he might be outside somewhere… you know, taking a walk," James replied.

"Oh, ok. I'll join you if you don't mind. I really need to talk about that project…"

The three Marauders exchanged looks. If they were stuck with Lily, there was no chance of sneaking off to the Shrieking Shack. They had to decide between keeping Remus's secret and keeping their friend company now. They could always sneak outside the school at night, so James decided to make the secret the first priority. "All right, let's see if we can find him." He took Lily's hand and looked inquiringly at Sirius. He nodded and motioned Peter to come with them.

Later that evening, after the sun had set and the moon had risen, they returned to the Common Room. Of course, no trace of Remus could be found. The three Marauders were very positive that he would be in the Shrieking Shack by now. While James stayed with Lily, Sirius and Peter went upstairs and got the invisibility cloak. Under it, they sneaked out of the Common Room.

Lily sent James upstairs to see whether Remus was in his dormitory. With a pang of guilt James told Lily that he as already fast asleep in his bed. He prayed that she wouldn't want to check, and to his relief she didn't.

He was very surprised to see Sirius and Peter coming down the staircase leading to their dorm an hour later. He left Lily sitting in one of the armchairs near the fire and went over to his friends, pulling them away from the mass of people in the Common Room into a more secluded corner. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Moony?"

Sirius looked at James. "He wouldn't let us in." James stared at them in disbelief. "What do you mean?" Peter and Sirius exchanged a quick glance.

"Well, the wolf was raging so much that we just couldn't get in. He attacked us – or better, me – as soon as we came in the door." He pulled his right sleeve up. A bloody bandage was visible on his arm. James made to touch it but Sirius drew back. "Better don't. We barely could make it stop bleeding. Moony is vicious tonight, I've never seen him that way before." Peter bit his lower lip. "Do you reckon we should tell Dumbledore?"

James shrugged. "I'm not sure. What do you think, Padfoot?"

After a few seconds he nodded hesitantly. "Yes. Yes, we should tell Dumbledore. You weren't there, Prongs, you didn't see him. It was…"

"…as if the wolf had taken over total control," subbed Peter.

"Exactly. You know the way usually a tiny amount of control is visible? This time, there was just the animal. We should tell Dumbledore."

He and Peter made to leave the Common Room, but James held Peter back. "Only one of us should go. It might look suspicious if we all left." So Peter stayed in the Common Room and waited anxiously for Sirius to return. Of course Lily noticed that something was wrong.

"What is it? Where's Sirius gone to?" she asked James and Peter. "He doesn't feel well, he went to the hospital wing… must've eaten something funny."

"You know what's funny? We all had the same food, and only Sirius is ill," she stated. James gave a half-hearted response that didn't satisfy Lily in the slightest. However, she didn't push the matter, for she had the impression that she would get no answer that was more honest.

Instead, she told them she would go to bed. Slowly she made her way to the stairs to the girls' dormitories. Through the crowd of people she could see James and Peter talking to each other, heads together, not looking about them. Lily seized her chance and quickly went over to the staircase leading to the boys' dormitories. Upstairs, she found the Marauders' dorm deserted. There wasn't a sign of Remus to be seen.

Undecided, Lily stood in the room for a few moments. What were the boys hiding from her? They surely wouldn't go so far and… do something to Remus? But then the Marauders were known to be a very secretive, almost secret-society-like group. How could she know there wasn't something fishy going on? It pained her to think of James that way but there was definitely something strange going on, and James was not telling her the truth.

She drew a deep breath, then turned around and ran down the stairs. She had almost reached the portrait hole when James and Peter noticed her. Although they called after her, she didn't stop but made her way through the door and down the corridor towards Dumbledore's office.

When she reached the gargoyles guarding the door leading to the stairs to Dumbledore's office, she almost bumped into him. Trying to catch her breath, she clutched her side.

"Miss Evans. What leads another Gryffindor here?" Dumbledore, clad in a dressing gown made of dark purple silk, stepped aside. Behind him stood Sirius. "And here are even more." He motioned to the corridor behind Lily. Running along came James and Peter.

"Excellent," Dumbledore said and smiled. "You spare me the trouble of going up to Gryffindor tower and asking you to come her. Now, if you don't mind, please proceed to my office. I believe you three," he nodded to Sirius, Peter and James in turn, "have a lot to tell Miss Evans here. Meanwhile, I will be looking after Mr Lupin."

"You mean…" Peter wanted to ask, but Dumbledore cut him off with a movement of his hand. "There's unfortunately no time to discuss this now, Mr Pettigrew. I suggest you go up to my office now while I take care of your friend." He nodded curtly, turned and left quickly.

The four Gryffindors looked at each other, at a loss. After a moment Sirius sighed and started to climb the spiral staircase. The others followed his lead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: No, I still don't own anything.

**Author's note**: Thanks for reading this far. And for the reviews, Masha!

* * *

**Won't you talk to me**

They spent more than four hours in the headmaster's office which the three Marauders passed explaining their well-kept secret to Lily. When Dumbledore re-entered a little while after sunrise, he found the four students in silence. Lily's eyes were red-brimmed, and James looked shaken.

"I'm very sorry to have kept you waiting. It was more difficult than I initially imagined." He saw the anxiety on his students' faces. "He is himself again and in the hospital wing right now. Mr Lupin must be very thankful to have such good friends – this might have ended a lot worse if you had not decided upon alarming me. You have, I believe, told Miss Evans about Mr Lupin's condition?" Lily nodded slowly. James was looking down at his hands.

"Can we go and see him now?" she wanted to know.

Dumbledore hesitated for the fraction of a second and then smiled. "You can. But I have to warn you: his injuries are worse than you have ever seen. Especially his face seems to be affected."

The Marauders and Lily looked taken aback. "I see no reason to keep you in the dark about Mr Lupin's current condition, or to keep you away from him and him without his friends to support him. I will accompany you to the hospital wing, I need a quick word with Madam Pomfrey."

The procession through the castle was nearly silent, nobody felt much like talking. In the hospital wing Dumbledore led them straight to Remus's bed without heeding Madam Pomfrey's fretting that only two visitors at a time were allowed. He then left them alone.

Remus was asleep, his head almost wrapped completely in bandages. The little skin that was visible was ash-colored or covered in bruises. Lily sat down on the chair beside the bed, and James hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder. For a moment she stiffened but then relaxed attain and took his hand without taking her eyes off Remus.

Sirius and Peter moved to the other side of the bed. It did not take long for Remus to wake up. He stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

"What happened?" he inquired when he noticed that not only all of the Marauders but also Lily were there.

"You tell us, mate," Sirius replied. "You almost killed yourself and attacked Peter and me."

Remus's eyes widened. "Sirius, you can't…" His brown eyes darted to Lily.

"She knows," Sirius reassured him. "We told her, but she would've found out anyway."

Remus looked at her. "You're going to hate me." he stated. But Lily shook her head. "I'm not. On the contrary, I just understand everything so much better – I understand you so much better." She made to take his hand but he pulled it back.

"You don't understand me. None of you does." The Marauders were speechless. This was not what they expected. James was the first to regain his voice.

"But… we supported you all those years! We did everything we could to protect you!" he protested.

Remus smiled sadly. It was time to say everything, to be absolutely honest. "No, you didn't. You did all that to have some adventures. I was always unimportant, everything that counted was how daring you were, how exciting it was to do something dangerous. My… condition was something that never mattered to you. I was always only the good kid, protecting you from detention, and giving you an excuse to be even more daring. It was never about me." The accusation hung in the air, stinging, sour.

Then Sirius spoke. "If we're such a bunch of self-conscious, egoistic persons you'll certainly appreciate us leaving." He turned away from the bed, pulling Peter after him, who was not protesting.

Lily got up from her chair, her face straight but very pale. She didn't speak but the look she threw Remus was enough. Hurt and anger. The same came from James, mingled with disappointment and disbelief. Without a word they, too, left him.

Later that day he demanded a mirror to examine his newly acquired scars. Madam Pomfrey, who was changing his bandages once more, was reluctant to grant his wish. "Now, you should wait a few days before you have a look at it. It always looks worse at first." But Remus didn't listen. "Give me a mirror." Reluctantly, Madam Pomfrey gave in and conjured a small round mirror, framed with silver ornaments. He took it and slowly raised it. Remus very nearly didn't recognize himself. Virtually every patch of skin was covered in bruised or dried blood. But the worst were the three long, and by their look, deep wounds diagonally across his face. They went from his left temple almost completely down to his right cheek. Someone – most likely Madam Pomfrey, perhaps even a healer from St. Mungo's – had done quite a good job in attempting to heal them but they still looked dreadful.

"It'll all heal up nicely," Madam Pomfrey tried to calm him down. "You will retain scars, I am afraid, but they might not be as bad as it seems now. I will just cover them up again…" As she did it took the last bit of self-control that Remus had left to suppress his tears until Madam Pomfrey had left again. Then he let them come freely.

* * *

Five days later Remus's physical wounds had healed enough so that he could leave the hospital wing. It had been a very quiet five days, with no visitors at all, except for Dumbledore who checked on him each evening. Somehow Remus had the feeling that he knew what had happened and what was going on inside of him.

A battle was raging, he was torn between his desire to make up with his friends again, the deeply rooted desire to be liked fought wit the wish to be finally accepted as he was – and, of course, his pride was inhabiting a prominent role as well. He was aware he had been unjust and that he had better apologized to his friends. Still, there was this small voice in his mind telling him that he had done enough apologizing in his life. The wounds on his soul were far from closing.

Returning to Gryffindor Common Room this evening did not make it better. It was a more than awkward situation, seeing James, Peter, Sirius and Lily sitting together on the sofa right next to the fireplace. They did not notice him until the other students around him fell silent one by one when they became aware of him, and more notably, his scarred face. Even though the wounds had increased a great deal, they were hard to ignore, so most of his fellow Gryffindor gaped at him. Some, he spotted, were whispering with each other, others were openly pointing at him. The worst thing, however, was his friends' reaction. All four of them looked at him, and he glanced over repeatedly, unsure of what to do next. A confrontation, or reconciliation, whatever it was that would come, in the middle of the Common Room was the last thing Remus wanted, therefore, timidly smiling at his friends, he went upstairs to their dormitory. Everything was unchanged, or so it seemed. His bed was made, and his Hogwarts uniform was minutely folded on top of the plaid. Sighing at the task that lay before him, he did not change into his pyjama but sat on his bed, waiting for the other Marauders to make their way up to the dormitory as well.

It did not take very long, but to Remus it seemed like hours. Finally Peter, James and Sirius filed in one by one, coming over to his bed and towering above him quite menacingly.

"You're back," remarked Peter.

"Yes, I am. And I'm glad I finally get to talk to you again."

"You were the one going for us, as far as I can remember, so we figured _you_ didn't want _us_ to be around," retorted Sirius rather nastily.

"I didn't mean to make it sound like an accusation," Remus tried to defend himself.

"Not this time, you didn't. But we can remember our last conversation pretty damn well."

"Me too. And I'm…" Remus attempted to say.

James cut him short. "Don't say you're sorry unless you really are. Do you actually realize what you said back then?" Wonderful, now James was jumping on the bandwagon as well.

"Yes, I do. I had enough time to think about it, really, and I'm really, really sorry." There he was again, apologizing to everyone. They had the old Remus back, he thought.

"Are you just sorry you told us at all, or are you sorry that you could ever even _think_ such a thing?" investigated James further. They, too, obviously had been pondering the issue.

"I don't know… what does it matter? I said it, didn't I?" This was beginning to be ridiculous, Remus thought. "Look, what do you want? This is not a very nice situation for me, being questioned by you three like I was a criminal, you know?" He was becoming angry. Hadn't he tried to apologize to them? What else did they want?

"I certainly wasn't a nice situation for us to be called vain and self-absorbed when we were really worried about you last week, either. You know what we did for you, and we're still very angry at you."

"I gather that much, _James._" He had started to address his friends by their first names, a sign that Remus was getting annoyed.

"Listen, _Lupin_, all we want is to know what is up with you. We know what happened last week is just the tip of the iceberg. What has been going on? Are you having trouble or something?"

That was enough, thought Remus. They were back where they been before "last week" – he was ever apologizing for no reason, and they, his friends, were trying to figure out why he was malfunctioning. Abruptly, he sat up and got out of his bed on the other side of his friends. "I'm sick of this, I must get out of here," was all he managed to get out before he literally fled the dormitory. Being a prefect had the advantage that you were allowed to be outside the Common Room even after hours, so he left it and strolled the castle.

Furiously he stomped around, almost tempted to aim a kick at the stone statues lining the hallways. Nothing had changed, nothing at all. The Marauders were insulted because he had doubted their valor and bravery. He snorted. Nobody had noticed that it was about _him_ for once, about… yes, about what? Remus stopped short in his track. It was very obvious that he had a crush on Lily. Obvious to him, that was. And he didn't like what he was – the werewolf, but also the peace-loving, obedient, spineless person he was most of the time. When did that happen? He wanted to be different, he wanted to be _himself_, make people understand him and stick with his ideas, not give in every time there was a tiny obstacle. He shook his head. "I'm useless," Remus murmured.

The next days did not bring about any improvement. Remus kept to himself, his friends were still hurt and could not understand what was going on. The only person who attempted to approach him was Lily but Remus refused to talk to her too. Then, almost two weeks after Remus had been released from the hospital wing, Lily managed to corner Remus. It was the Arithmancy classroom again, and this time Lily made sure he could not flee as easily – she used _Colloportus_ on the door when she stepped inside the room.

"What did you do that for?" asked Remus.

"Obviously that's the only way to get you to talk to me," Lily stated. Remus looked at her and did not answer.

"You've been pretty mean lately. I won't bother asking you what's wrong because that's something you won't tell. So I'll just tell you what I think: I know that you have a crush on me. Don't deny it, you're not good in lying. I also think that you're more desperate than you'd ever admit. But I don't get why. Is it because you're a werewolf? Or is it because you think nobody could love you because you're one?"

"Let me out."

"No, Remus, you're going to tell me what it is that is depressing you so much you even shun your friends."

"You named it, happy now?"

"No."

"Well, there's nothing more to tell, so let me out."

"I want to help you, Remus, so you need…"

"I don't need to do anything! I didn't ask you for help, I didn't ask you for anything! Would you just leave me alone, please? Why don't you get it? I want to be alone!" All the pent-up anger and desperation started to show, and Remus was heaving with emotion and started shaking slightly.

"What do you want to hear, Lily? That it's torture for me to see you and James together? Yes, it is. I'm sorry I'm not a perfect romance!" He laughed a short, humourless laugh. "I'm sorry I don't fit your concept of romance – but more than once I caught you stealing glances, and you know we have more in common than you and James do. I just wished I kissed you before that Potter kid. You know, all the time I played the good kid while Prongs managed mischief… a lot of good it did, oh yes, you had eyes only for him. I know I should have seen this coming, and I'm sorry I didn't move earlier." He was close to tears now. "Was that what you wanted to hear?"

Lily shook her head in utter horror. "Of course not. I never… Remus, I'm so sorry. I never knew you felt that way. Last year it was all… I thought that Sirius had dared you to have a go on me, and I… I played along for a while because I didn't want him to think that you're not likeable…" her voice trailed away.

"Oh, that's it, is it? You pitied me, that's all? Well, that helps a lot, Lily, thank you!"

"Please, Remus, let me explain…"

"Why should I? It's all my fault, isn't it? That's nice and easy, right? It's all about how ickle Remus has messed things up again because he didn't move at the right time, because I didn't do what was expected of me."

He made to turn away from her. "I had better go so you can run back to James."

"No. You're not leaving until we have talked about your behaviour." Lily stood with her arms on her hips.

"Are you my mother now?" His tone was full of contempt now. He tried to get past Lily to the door but she was resolute not to let him escape this time.

"Get a grip on yourself and listen to me!" she demanded now, attempted to stretch out her arms to block his way even more.

"You won't tell me what to do!" Remus's voice was getting louder now, his anger was resurfacing.

"I obviously need to!"

"Let me get out!"

"I'm not letting you out until you hear me out."

"NO!" He was yelling for real now. Remus's face was white and contorted with anger. He wasn't shaking any more but was now quite calm, which alarmed Lily even more. But she was a Gryffindor after all, so she stood her ground. "I couldn't think of anything I'd like to hear from you."

"Really? How about: get a grip on yourself and stop wallowing in self-pity!"

Remus raised his right arm and gave Lily a hard slap in the face with the back of his hand. She stumbled and held her right cheek. When she took her hand off it, Remus saw blood coming from her lip, and there seemed to be a bruise on her cheek as well.

Without a word, he lifted the spell from the door and left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Won't you talk to me**

**Disclaimer**: No, still don't own Harry Potter, so don't sue :)

* * *

Panting, Lily reached the Common Room. Of course, Remus was not there. She found the other Marauders instead, the ones whom she had been looking for. James gaped at her, horrified. "What happened, Lily?" He got up from the chair he had been sitting on and examined her face. "Who did that?" He took her chin and turned her head so that he had a better view at her cheek.

"James, you need to find Remus. I think he's about to do something very rash, and he needs your help."

"Was it him?" James demanded.

Hesitantly, Lily nodded. "But it wasn't what it looks like – please James, just go and find him and make him see some sense! He's really, really desperate right now and he needs his friend."

James shook his head, incredulously. "You're still defending him. Are you kidding me, he's desperate and needs his friend?" With that, he rushed off to the portrait hole to look for the boy who used to be his friend.

* * *

Close to the Whomping Willow, he found him.

"Stop, Lupin!" James's voice was harsh, and he had his wand drawn, Remus saw as he turned around and stood still. Despite the uproar in his heart, he appeared calm on the outside.

"What were you thinking, hitting Lily?" James was now standing only a few feet away from him, pointing the wand at his face.

"I was wishing for her to shut up. Just like I want you to shut your mouth now, too." His voice was, to his surprise, still quite calm. It didn't matter any more, he could tell James the truth just as well. He had messed up his life and he didn't really know if he wanted it to be like that any more.

He suddenly lunged forward and punched James in the stomach. James let go of his wand and tried to protect himself as well as he could. Remus was surprisingly strong for a frail-looking boy – the change had its good bits, too, thought Remus for a split second. He landed some good punches that made James gasp for breath, but that did not stop him. Becoming more and more desperate, and seeing no way out, he continued hitting his best friend in whichever places he could reach: head, stomach, arms. "Why did you never care about me? Why have you let me become like this?" he brought out between punches.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Stop!"

Remus pinned James to the ground, one knee in his stomach, holding the other boy's hands to the ground with his own. Panting, his face contorted with desperation and a rage hitherto unknown, he looked at James.

"You don't know? I told you so many times that I hate what I am – I hate the werewolf and the person that I am, I hate how nobody will ever love me, how you got Lily and I didn't, and I hate that I'm so weak. But you never did anything about that except telling me that I shouldn't be saying that."

With that, he let go of James and waited until he was standing again before attacking him once more. But James had found his wand again, and pointed it at Remus. "Stupefy" he yelled, but Remus dodged the flash of red light and managed to hit James again. He, too, had drawn his wand now. "Levicorpus!" came from Remus and missed James only by inches.

"Expelliarmus" Moving backwards away from Remus, James tried to disarm him but to no avail.

Another spell from James. "Confringo!" Remus was thrust backwards, landing on his back forcefully so that now he had to gasp for breath. For a second he saw stars in front of his eyes because of the pain both in his back and on the spot where James's spell had hit. Before James was close to him, however, he managed to sit up again and pointed his wand at James's chest. "Sectum…"

"Kill me, then!" James had stopped short in his track when he heard the spell Remus was about to use on him. "Go on, that's what you want, right, kill me?"

But Remus had frozen on the spot and stared at James. "No," he said, and dropped his wand. James took advantage of the situation and lunged himself at Remus, knocking him to the ground for a second time. But Remus's jabs at him were weak now, James noticed, and he was much more clinging to him than genuinely trying to hit him. James wanted to let go of Remus, but the other was holding on to the front of his robes and – crying, almost wailing, like a wounded animal in pain.

James was hovering over Remus, his knees straddling Remus's hips, who was holding himself in a sitting position by holding fast to James's robes. They were almost looking like a pair of lovers but for the sobbing Remus and the utterly bewildered face of James. Uncertain as to what to do now, James carefully patted Remus on the shoulder.

He tried to bring them in a more comfortable position and moved so that he was now kneeling next to his friend, holding him in a hug. After a while, when Remus's sobs had weakened a little, James cleared his throat.

"Umm, Remus?" The grip on the front of his robes slackened, and Remus let go of him. He kept his head down and snuffled.

"Can you now tell me what's the trouble?"

Remus kept staring at his lap. "I'm sorry. This time I mean it."

James shook his head. "That's not the point now. What is the matter with you?"

"I… you and Lily… and… look at me! I'm pathetic!"

"Okay, I figure that you have a crush on Lily." Now Remus looked up at James. He was sporting bruises all over his face and a cut on his cheek. "Oh come on, Moony, it wasn't that hard to figure out. But that's not all, is it? What did you mean earlier when you said that you hate that you're weak? You're the strongest person I know."

At that, Remus looked taken aback. "But… I'm not. I don't feel strong."

James dismissed this with a wave of his hand. He sat down on the cool earth now. "That's a huge difference. You might not feel strong, but you are. _I_ could have never gone through what you have to suffer every single month, with no prospect of a cure. I mean, you have to go through the transformation every month and still manage to be the best in the year, hide your condition to everyone else, and be a great friend. And on top of that you have an eye on us and keep us from doing the stupid things we would do without you. What more can one ask for in a friend?"

Against his will Remus had to smile. "What else is there? 'I don't feel strong' is one heck of a lame excuse for beating me up, Moony." Remus's smile disappeared again and he gazed uneasily at his hands that were lying in his lap. He drew deep breaths, once, twice, bracing himself to tell James all that was going through his mind.

* * *

"Prongs?" Remus asked cautiously.

"Mhm?"

"Do you think you could help me get back to the castle now? My butt is getting very cold, and I think my ribs are at least sprained…" James got to his feet immediately, looking concerned. "'Course. Here, let me help you." In a combined effort he managed to get Remus to his feet. He could not stand up straight and clutched at his left side where James's spell had hit him.

With a lot of stopping and letting Remus catch his breath they finally made their way back to the castle. James let Remus carefully slip down again before running off to the hospital wing to get Madam Pomfrey. They returned quickly, and after a short glance at Remus Madam Pomfrey refused to let him walk to the hospital wing but conjured a stretcher and made him lie down on it. James followed as his friend was levitated upstairs. It was late, and they encountered no-one except a few ghosts. Madam Pomfrey now tried to make James wait outside while she examined Remus, but he refused point-blank to leave his friend's side.

It was no pleasure to be present when Remus was examined. His upper body had always been scarred, and now it was adorned with bruises, light blue for now but they would turn a nastier color soon. A particularly large one was where James's _Confringo_ had hit him.

"You are lucky your ribs aren't broken, boy," Madam Pomfrey chided Remus when he winced at her touch at his side. He kept silent after that and bit his lip.

After what seemed an eternity to the two boys, the examination was completed and the obvious wounds had been tended to.

"I know you will not tell me what happened. So I will confine myself to informing you what your injuries are: you have heavy bruising of your ribs on your left side, several bruises that will hurt quite a lot the next few days, and a concussion that will leave you in my care for at least another three days." She insisted that James be examined as well but could not find any injuries except the obvious bruises.

Madam Pomfrey folded her arms and looked at Remus, then at James. "I believe it is time for you to leave, Mr Potter, and I shall inform the headmaster." There was something very determined about her voice that prevented both boys from attempting to argue with her. With a small smile at Remus, James left and finally returned to the Common Room.

It was empty but for Sirius, Peter and Lily, as he had expected. "Where have you been? What happened to your face?" Alarmed, Lily had gotten up but James shook his head and dismissed it. "It's nothing. We all need to go to the hospital wing. Now."

"What for?" Sirius wanted to know. He folded his arms in front of his chest.

"Remus," replied James. Sirius looked sceptically at his friend. "I ask you again: what for?"

"Padfoot, it's not like we thought. This is going further than…"

"Further than what? Further than Remus being jealous of us? Or being malcontent? Early quarter-life crisis? Mating season?" His look was challenging.

"That was Remus's doing, wasn't it?" Sirius nodded at James, indicating his bruises. "How come you still defend him? First Lily, now you. What's wrong with you?"

"Sirius, it's not as clear as you may think it is," replied James, still trying to make his friend see reason. Sirius got up. "Don't tell me what to think. Remember what Remus said: he thinks we're self-centered, attention-seeking prats, after all we've done for him. I wouldn't expect that of a friend, but you don't seem to mind." Without a further glance at them, Sirius left the Common Room for the dormitory.

"He'll come around," James said more to reassure himself than Peter and Lily. "We should go to the hospital wing now. I can fill you in on the way there."

* * *

**A/N**: I'm not very satisfied with this chapter and may take it down again and rework it. But I couldn't have the file sit on my computer and stare at me any more, so I decided to post it :)


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